I've been crying for two -bleeping- days straight now. I'm in mourning and I plan to exhaust my entire black wardrobe by the end of the week. I havn't had a spare moment to think about anything else but It. I havn't felt this empty since that moment as I stood outside the clinic after being confirmed a diabetic. The world should stop now. But why should it? Just because Ianto Jones died, doesn't mean the world should take notice?

Wrong.

We notice it. We, Ianto's fangirls, notice it. And we don't like it. My friends have officially said that I'm weird. Why shouldn't I be? Here's how everything changes.

Sunday,19 July
Checking mail, checking facebook, realised that CoE should be out soon. Googles CoE. Clicks on Wikipedia. Gasps when reading about Ianto dying. (It was so -bleep- brief! Like the person writing it was just trying to get to the end) Searches the web for more news. Starts to cry. Alarms roomie. Still in shock. Tells cauliflower (my friend) about this. She says I'm whacked for crying over Yan. I says that I'm not. Couldn't sleep till 4 a.m. Cried self to sleep.

Monday, 20 July
First day of mourning. Wears black shirt to class. Announces in Facebook profile and everywhere else that is mine that am in mourning. Didn't really talk much. Kept mostly to to my friends. They're in disbelief that someone would actually weep over a dead TV character. They says that at least Gareth isn't the one dead. Comes back to room and opens the web. Does the same thing yesterday and racks the web for answers. Starts writing 'Time'-fic (Message for link) but stops halfway, bursting to tears. Sleeps earlier today because of exhaustion. Still cried self to sleep.

Tuesday, 21 July
Begins to write about feelings. (Refer to other blog) Continues writing Time-fic. Begings to read other blogs and fanfics regarding matter. Stops when things get too heavy. Begins posting on blog.

I havn't cried today. I'm hoping I can sleep without the tears, but after reading ~*Sherry*~'s livejournal entry, I'm not too sure about it anymore. I feel like my heart is about to burst. I havn't felt this way in a long time and the last time I did, I prayed that I'd never feel soo bloody helpless and empty again. I know it's irrational to feel this way about a character from a television series, but you don't understand. You never do, do you?

Living in Malaysia is somewhat of a information block-out. I didn't get the news till almost a week after the last ep was aired. I could've grieved a long time ago. I don't know how to cope. As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Ianto's speech from Deadline. Probably not doing any good for my not-crying mission. I really miss him. I really do. Eventhough I havn't seen the episode myself, just the news of it... It's enough to drive me to tears. Right now, for therapy I'm ggoing to keep on writing. Because at least there, I can still have him. I can still dream.

To all those Torchwood fans out there, know this; You Are Not Alone. Only a fan knows another fan. We're not crazy. We're coping. Fanfickers, a super thank you. It's through your stories that we find some sort of solace in this pain. There, at least, we can still have him. Even if it's just for a little while longer. To those that read til here, thank you. Even if you don't understand.

Labels: Death, Favourite shows, Ianto Jones, Mourning, Torchwood